Regret

“Of all sad words of tongue or pen, the saddest are these, 'It might have been.” ~ John Greenleaf Whittier.

In the first part of this year, I have found myself looking back a lot and thinking about life choices made and not made. Perhaps it is because of the kind of year it has been, or maybe it just happens when you get older. And, unlike Edith Piaf of “Non, Je ne regrette rien” fame, I do have some regrets. So, I started reading about how regret happens in the brain and what purpose such an emotion might serve, other than pointing out the errors of your choices. Surprisingly, it turns out that regret is like the brain’s way of running a complex simulation that might end up making you a better version of yourself.

To feel regret, you have to perform mental time travel back to the time of an event or decision, then look forward and engage in counterfactual thinking by imagining an alternative reality where you made a different choice and ended up with a different result.

Neuroscientific studies show that in the brain, regret starts in the orbitofrontal cortex (OFC), the part of your brain that evaluates choices and compares outcomes. When the OFC realizes that another choice would have turned out better, we experience that as regret. This realization is accompanied by a dip in dopamine levels in the nucleus accumbens – the so called ‘pleasure center’ in the brain, because reality fell short of predicted expectations. The anterior cingulate cortex joins in by flagging the error and nudging you to adjust your behavior next time. Meanwhile, the amygdala adds emotional weight, which is why regret can feel so sharp and memorable. Together, these effects help you learn from mistakes and hopefully avoid repeating them. People who lack the ability to feel regret—often due to OFC damage—tend to make riskier choices, don’t learn from mistakes and struggle with long‑term planning.

This idea of regret as a teacher is emphasized in The Power of Regret by Daniel Pink. Pink identifies four core types of regret:

At Eternity's Gate (1890) by Vincent van Gogh

• Foundation regrets — “If only I’d taken better care of my health/finances.”

• Boldness regrets — “If only I’d taken the chance.”

• Moral regrets — “If only I’d done the right thing.”

• Connection regrets — “If only I’d reached out.”

After analyzing thousands of regret stories from people around the world, he found that regret consistently helps people clarify what matters, make better decisions, and deepen their relationships. Pink and other researchers suggest a few practical strategies to make the best use of regrets. These include clearly naming the regret, extracting the lesson to be learned, showing self-compassion and not harsh self-criticism, and taking some action to address the regret if possible and if not - letting it go. This helps avoid getting stuck ruminating on past mistakes which can lead to anxiety and depression.

To me, the most striking fact I learned about people’s regrets is that they are overwhelmingly  (up to 84% by some estimates) about things not done rather than actions taken or mistakes made. Perhaps this should be a wake-up call to us all to find the courage to pursue today those things we keep meaning to do. After all there is only this one precious life, and few chances to get things right. So, what are you going to do now?

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Post by: Nadia Fike

Read more: 1. Camille, N. et al. (2004). The involvement of the orbitofrontal cortex in the experience of regret. Science, 304(5674), 1167–1170. 2. Coricelli, G. et al. (2007). Brain, emotion and decision making: The paradigmatic example of regret. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 11(6), 258–265. doi.org 3. Pink, D. H. (2022). The Power of Regret: How Looking Backward Moves Us Forward. Riverhead Books.